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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28881345">believe me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nara_stories/pseuds/Nara_stories'>Nara_stories</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Lord John Series - Diana Gabaldon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anal Sex, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Arguing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Employer/Employee relationship, Established Relationship, Gag Use, Gags, If You Squint - Freeform, Insecurity, M/M, like a TON, roleplay-ish?</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 07:55:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,972</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28881345</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nara_stories/pseuds/Nara_stories</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“What is it, Tom?”</i>
</p><p>  <i>Tom’s throat constricted. Of course, John would notice the shift in his mood. He was such a great, attentive man. He deserved much better than an annoying nag like Tom.</i></p><p>  <i>John was still looking at him expectantly, with so much patience and kindness, it almost broke his heart.</i><br/>“’m sorry, me lord,” he blurted out. While there was no need for him to address John formally behind closed doors anymore, he often kept calling him that out of habit. “I shouldn’t ha’ said what I did back there. I had no right to embarrass you like that.”</p><p>I've tried to write some kinky smut. Tom brought the emotional baggage. Like a lot.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Tom Byrd/Lord John Grey</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Lord John Grey Cocoa and Kink 2020, Outlander Bingo Challenge</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>believe me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/carpelucem/gifts">carpelucem</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>for @carpelucem who dropped a comment about gagging Tom ages ago, and it apparently stuck in my mind. Thanks for the idea! This is probably not what you've imagined, I'm sorry.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The words cut deeper than Tom expected. And he had expected them, alright. He knew he was barely qualified to be a lord’s valet. Moreover, he possessed an annoying personality and when it came to Lord John’s welfare he simply couldn’t keep his mouth shut. It was only a matter of time before someone made a remark.</p><p>He disliked Mr. Lister from the start. From his timid but sly manner to his refusal of wine, and that was before he confessed that he disapproved of his son’s career in the army and therefore simply severed any contact. He kept making scornful comments about a soldier’s life and whining about the scandal of his son eloping with a woman he didn’t approve of. And then, just when he said enough insults about being a soldier he proposed that Lord John go and find the girl for him, not because he wanted to help his son’s widow, only because he felt he had a right to his grandson. </p><p>That was all too much disrespect for Tom’s liking. It really wasn’t the responsibility of His Lordship to run around in Sussex after someone else’s sweetheart, but Tom knew he would do it nonetheless out of a sense of duty. He was also simply incapable of saying no to a hideous adventure. Tom frankly thought their guest suspected this too and was blatantly taking advantage of it. Tom couldn’t help himself from chiming in.</p><p>“His Lordship needs to be resting from his brutal occupation, sir.”</p><p>Mr. Lister ignored Tom completely and made a comment about how Lord John ought to discipline his servants better.<br/>
“This is why I want to find my grandson. You see, if I have an heir I don’t want him to grow up without proper guidance. Of course, you are not responsible for your servants' early life, My Lord, but maybe you would still be successful at correcting this young man’s manner with some discipline.”</p><p>Maybe if Tom were just Lord John’s valet, he would have been able to brush the words off more easily. But Lord John was more to him than a generous employer he felt great affection for.</p><p>He was sharing his bed for the past year.</p><p>After becoming his valet, it took Tom an amazingly short time to completely fall in love with Lord John Grey. There was nothing surprising in that. The man had an irresistible pull, and Tom was helplessly pulled into his orbit. The surprising part was when one day Lord John asked him to share a bottle of wine with him in private. After a few glasses and an hour of conversation that felt more like they were friends, rather than a lord and his valet, John took hold of his hand over the table, very gently and simply asked him if he wanted to come closer. Tom still remembered how much his legs trembled when he stood up and crossed the small distance to sit down next to Lord John on the sofa. Or how his frantic heartbeat calmed down when Lord John stroked the back of his hand with a thumb and smiled at him with open affection. He assured Tom that he didn’t want to make him uncomfortable, but he very much wanted to kiss Tom, and if Tom felt the same way he could do so without fearing repercussions.</p><p>Tom himself really badly wanted to kiss him too, and so he did. That was the first, but not the last time they had tumbled into bed together, the rest of the wine forgotten.</p><p>John never made him feel pressured to please him or less because of his social status. He never made him feel less than cherished, actually.</p><p>After Mr. Lister made his cutting remark, Lord John gave the man one of his polite smiles that Tom knew was fake and brushed a few invisible crumbs off his sleeve.<br/>
“My valet is not wrong, I have suffered a serious injury at Crefeld and I hate to admit it, but my doctor advised me not to travel for a while if I can help it. However, maybe I can arrange someone else from my regiment to find Anne Thackeray for you.”</p><p>Later, when Mr. Lister had left and Tom was laying out John’s nightshirt and banyan, he laughed off the man’s comment again.<br/>
“This might sound harsh, the wretched man just lost his son after all, but I’m glad we got rid of him. He started to get on my nerves.”</p><p>Tom focused on meticulously folding the shirt and didn’t laugh. The floorboard creaked under John’s step, but Tom kept his eyes down. He only looked up, when he felt a gentle touch under his chin. John’s familiar blue eyes trapped his gaze.<br/>
“What is it, Tom?”</p><p>Tom’s throat constricted. Of course, John would notice the shift in his mood. He was such a great, attentive man. He deserved much better than an annoying nag like Tom.</p><p>John was still looking at him expectantly, with so much patience and kindness, it almost broke his heart.<br/>
“’m sorry, me lord,” he blurted out. While there was no need for him to address John formally behind closed doors anymore, he often kept calling him that out of habit. “I shouldn’t ha’ said what I did back there. I had no right to embarrass you like that.”</p><p>John stroked his face, a small, unconcerned smile playing on his lips. Tom loved how his eyes crinkled at the corners when he was amused.<br/>
“You didn’t embarrass me, Tom. And there is no need for you to apologize.” He bent closer and placed a small kiss in the corner of his mouth. “In fact, I found the situation quite entertaining.”</p><p>Tom pulled back and shook his head forcefully.<br/>
“No, me lord, I really should learn how to keep me mouth shut. It will reflect badly on you.” His voice cracked miserably from all the pent-up emotion.</p><p>John frowned and looked at him as if he just made a very complicated - but perhaps not too smart - chess move.<br/>
“You don’t believe me,” he said, sounding bewildered.</p><p>Tom shrugged. John was the best thing in his life, and Tom felt like he got so close to losing him already. Not only because of the dangers of his profession but because of his own inadequacy. For sure he will soon see Tom was no match for him.</p><p>It was as if he were standing on a great cliff, with nothing but air all around him and could fall off at any second. John’s dismissal of the issue didn’t reassure him. It would have been much easier if he were in fact annoyed with him. Tom would know where he stood with that. He could push against that, but now he was just tethering on the edge, wondering when he would tip over.</p><p> “You’ll soon get annoyed with me too if I keep making an arse out of meself like that,” he said bitterly.</p><p>John raised his eyebrows. He was a smart man, someone who found enjoyment in untangling a mental riddle, and Tom could practically feel his attention zeroing in on him. He was the riddle now.</p><p>“You don’t believe that if I found your behaviour bothersome I would tell you and that I would be able to do something about it.” It wasn’t formulated as a question. “Why, I should feel offended, Tom,” he added smoothly, shrugging out of his waistcoat and draping it over the back of his dressing chair.</p><p>Tom shivered. That was much better than John’s dismissive reassurance.</p><p>“You’re just so kind, me lord,” he stuttered out. “I s’pose you don’t see the wrong in it ‘coz you’re fond of me. But I don’t want to be a weakness to you,” he explained, feeling miserable.</p><p>John tilted his head to the side, his gaze sharp and clever.</p><p>“I am more than fond of you, Tom,” he said firmly. “You are not a weakness to me. But,” he added slowly, “it seems like it’s not what you want to hear just now.”</p><p>Tom dropped his shoulders, fiddling with the corner of the shirt. When John stepped closer he did so with a swordfighter’s grace. Tom knew it because he saw him practice once. It made his blood run hot then, and now. John plucked the shirt out of Tom’s hand, deposited it on the dressing table and turned back to him. Tom inhaled a whiff of lemon verbena as John bent close to his ear.</p><p>“Do you remember that time, when we were trying to figure out who killed Sergeant O'Connell and you helped me re-enact how his last conversation could have gone?” John whispered. “Let’s do something similar. Let’s assume I am indeed annoyed at you – which I’m not. I believe it can help enlighten what we’re dealing with here. Follow my lead, if you please.”</p><p>He pulled away and spoke in an entirely different voice. Cool, and nonchalant, how Tom initially feared he would be when he didn’t know him yet.</p><p>“What were you thinking, Tom? Chastise me in front of my guest, like I’m a little boy?”</p><p>Tom gulped. There was a question behind the question. It was an intricate dance Tom only started to learn the choreography of. But he was a quick learner. He could push now, and John wouldn’t let him fall off that cliff, he would only hold him tighter.</p><p>“You mustn't exert yourself, me lord,” so he answered, adding as much defiance to his voice as he could. “The doctor said it plain.”</p><p>John pressed his lips together and if it wasn’t for that kind, attentive look in his eyes, Tom would have thought he was completely serious.</p><p>“It was disrespectful,” he clipped. Tom could almost believe he was mad at him. No, a part of him believed it fully, because it made much more sense than John continuing to love him despite his flaws.</p><p>“If you were only my valet I would maybe punish you for it,” John continued. “I could still do,” he added in a dark tone that sent a shiver down Tom’s spine. He slowly rounded Tom and whispered into his ear from behind. “If that’s what you wanted.”</p><p>Tom wondered if he wanted that. If it would make him feel better. John told him once that he himself found release before in corporal punishment in an intimate setting and if Tom felt any sort of curiosity in that regard he would be more than willing to experiment. Tom was indeed curious, but in this case, he feared it might just perpetuate the wrongness of his actions. His fear wasn’t whether he did something impolite, only whether John would resent him for it.</p><p>Instead, he needed to know if he could actually make him angry. Make him see Tom as the uneducated boy he was, unworthy of his attention. He thought if the heartbreak was inevitable, it might as well come now. He turned to face John and crossed his arms in front of him.</p><p>“Like you care so much about decency,” he scoffed, swallowing the “me lord” just in time.  He wanted to be rude, the rudest he was capable of. “You’d be running around looking like a beggar if it wasn’t for me.”</p><p>John’s eyes flashed dangerously. Tom thought this must be like what his opponents saw with steel in his hand. It was like a mental duel, and Tom felt strangely giddy being on the wrong end of that sharp mind.</p><p>“Well, you telling me what to do and not to do in front of my guest certainly doesn’t help,” John replied sarcastically. “You think you have a right to that?”</p><p>He was pushing where it hurt. But Tom wanted him to push, he wanted it to hurt. He wanted to feel where the wound was, and how serious the injury.</p><p>“You’d rather run off to help someone else with no regard to your own health,” he said, lifting his chin up. “If I’m no good to anything else at least I can save you from yourself.”</p><p>A sad expression crossed John’s face, but he hid it quickly, answering with the icy self-possession of his status.</p><p>“You have hindered me in doing my duty.”</p><p>Tom puffed his cheeks up. He didn’t need to pretend to be annoyed about this one.</p><p>“It is not your bloody duty to save everyone! May I remind you that you still have an inch of metal somewhere in your chest?” he asked, jabbing a forefinger towards said body part. He felt a grim satisfaction when John flinched back. Then, just to finish off the attack, he boldly added:<br/>
“You’re just afraid of appearing weak.”</p><p>John’s eyes darkened as the sky did before a summer rain. With a few steps, he crowded Tom against the wall. Tom’s body responded to his proximity, and to the passion swirling in his eyes, regardless of the nasty things they were throwing at each other. It was just for show, wasn’t it?</p><p>“Well, nothing makes me appear weaker than not being able to control my valet,” John said darkly. “Congratulations.”</p><p>It was like a punch to the pit of his stomach. Tom faltered, but John was there. He broke the eye-contact as he leaned in again, breath tickling Tom’s ear.</p><p>“That’s it, Tom, give me your worst,” he whispered. Then he pulled back, and looking into his eyes continued, louder, “You think I can’t protect myself?”</p><p>Tom squared his shoulder. He could push too.<br/>
“I think you won’t,” he threw back. “Because you think you deserve to be hurt. You’re afraid of being loved.”</p><p>John narrowed his eyes. The blow landed and Tom wondered if he overstepped. But there was no turning back so he kept talking, the same thing that got him in trouble in the first place.<br/>
“That’s why you let me pester you because you think you don’t deserve better.”</p><p>Multiple emotions crossed John’s face, too quick for Tom to read them. The next words came cool and pointed like the tip of a blade.<br/>
“Stop. Talking. Like. That.”</p><p>It was an order if he ever heard one, but Tom was too far gone, the rage and frustration finally overboiling in him.<br/>
“Make me,” he growled.</p><p>John clicked his tongue, and with a grim expression started fumbling with his neckcloth.<br/>
“Oh, I assure you: I can make you.”</p><p>He tugged his stock free, and the next moment Tom found the strip of linen pressed against his lips. He could feel the hard lines of John’s body against his, his muscles like coiled rope, strength thrumming through them. It was a soldier’s body and while Tom still worried for him he had to acknowledge that John almost got back to his full strength since the accident. He could, without doubt, make him shut up. A wave of not quite unexpected arousal hit him in the stomach.</p><p>John pressed the cloth more firmly against his lips while brushing the tips of his fingers along his jaw.<br/>
“Open up.”</p><p>Tom’s first instinct was to press his lips defiantly together. He imagined those fingertips pushing down and forcing his jaw open. He gulped. John raised an elegant eyebrow.<br/>
“Open up, Tom.”</p><p>If it was indeed a mental duel, Tom undoubtedly lost. He would just have to accept the consequences. He opened his mouth just a bit and John slid the cloth past his lips and between his teeth. He pulled it tight and tied it behind his head, careful not to pull his hair in the process.</p><p>It felt oddly intimate and good in a twisted sort of way. The cloth was dry in his mouth and smelled like John. Tom could practically taste the smell of him.</p><p>John pulled back with a satisfied expression on his face.<br/>
“There we go.”</p><p>Tom made an unhappy little sound. While the makeshift gag wasn’t uncomfortable, it kept his teeth apart and his tongue down so that he couldn’t form words, only mumble unintelligibly.</p><p>“Now you’ll finally listen to me,” John sounded entirely too smug for Tom’s liking.</p><p>He smiled at him, just with a hint of teeth and Tom was reminded just how brutal his occupation was. Unlike Mr. Lister, Tom, of course, had no objection to that. John pushed his sleeves up, stopping before Tom. When he spoke there was still some of that angry heat radiating from his voice, but underneath, there was something else too.</p><p>“You see, Tom? This is what we do with 'annoying nags',” he said, tracing the line of the cloth with his finger. “Tie them up nicely so that we can tell them in peace that they are, in fact, far from annoying, without being interrupted.”</p><p>He took his hand away.</p><p>“But first I’m going to show you just how fit I am for strenuous activity.”</p><p>He grabbed Tom by the waist and spun them around so that he could push him down the bed. Tom ended up bent over, face down in the quilt, with his arms pinned behind his back.</p><p>He felt a small, hard object being pressed into his hand. John bent over him, his breath brushing the shell of his ear warmly.<br/>
“Drop this, if you need me to release you,” he whispered.</p><p>Tom ran his fingers along the surface of the object and recognized it as John’s signet ring, the metal warm from his skin. He closed his hand securely over it. He had no intention of dropping it.</p><p>Tom began to relax. John was completely capable of making him stop talking if he didn’t like it. It meant that the things he said couldn’t be too atrocious.</p><p>He felt his breeches being pulled down. John was rougher with him than usually and didn’t bother removing them, just let them pool around his ankles. He kept holding his wrists with one hand, while he reached for something. Tom heard the familiar clink of a vial, then felt oil being drizzled directly onto his backside.</p><p>Tom twitched in surprise and made a protesting sound because it was just bound to get everywhere if John did it like this, but of course, couldn’t say anything. John chuckled behind him, then began to rub the oil in. This time the sound Tom made was closer to a moan, stifled by the cloth in his mouth.</p><p>“Fond of you?” John huffed, as he circled his opening with his index finger. Tom could practically hear the quotes around the words. “That doesn’t even begin to describe what I feel, Tom.”</p><p>He pushed the tip of his finger in. The familiar touch sent a wave of pleasure up Tom’s spine and he moaned again.</p><p>“I love you,” John declared passionately while moving his finger in and out. “I love you so much more than I care about what others think.”</p><p>A tip of his second finger brushed along his rim before pushing inside and Tom bucked up into the touch. The pleasure seemed to wash some of the misery away, he was feeling and John’s words slowly started penetrating the wall he put up to protect his self-inflicted wounds.</p><p>“You are right,” John continued, “it is dangerous. But I would never put you in danger by exposing our relationship to the world. I would never let my love cloud my judgement in that.”</p><p>He pulled away, and Tom whined at the loss. John kept a hand on his wrists, more a gesture than anything else, and Tom heard him fumble with his breeches. He felt the urge to help but remained obediently where he was, letting John do the rest.</p><p>Finally, John’s hardness slid hot and heavy between his buttocks, and Tom’s own prick twitched in response. John pushed into him slowly, filling him up inch by inch, draping his body over him. Tom panted as his body adjusted and made room for him. When John was fully in, he continued talking, his voice slightly strained.</p><p>“So believe me when I say I never had reason to think that you would be a liability.”</p><p>He rolled his hips, punching a high-pitched sound out of Tom. Tom flushed from embarrassment, but he couldn’t keep it in with John’s stock in his mouth. His lips were dry but saliva was pooling in his mouth. He tried to swallow awkwardly and most of it was soaked up by the cloth, but the excess drooled down his chin, and he couldn’t do anything about that either. He just had to take the messiness, just like the affectionate words he wasn’t able to object to.</p><p>“Furthermore,” John continued, punctuating it with a sinful thrust, that made Tom moan loudly, “believe me when I say I find you anything but annoying.” He kept pumping into him with deliciously deep thrusts. “And if you don’t, believe me, I’ll just have to repeat myself until you do.”</p><p>He kept talking, as he picked up the pace slightly, hitting that sweet spot inside Tom’s body with every thrust. Tom let his voice wash over him. It was as if the makeshift gag wasn’t only silencing his words, but the nasty, self-deprecating thoughts as well.</p><p>“You are bright, kind, and beautiful,” John’s voice was strained from exertion, but fiercely honest. “And I adore you.”</p><p>Tom let himself truly believe it for the first time that night. Let the warm feeling bloom in his chest. As if John could feel it, he stopped talking and released his hands so that he could reach around and wrap his hand around Tom prick, only keeping him down by the weight of his body. His touch was warm and sure and made the last of his doubts evaporate as he let himself be washed away in pleasure. He surrendered to it with a sob and came all over John’s hand. John’s thrusts became erratic, heard him panting until he stiffened and finished too with a grunt.</p><p>Tom melted into the mattress, feeling boneless and pleasantly empty-headed. John fumbled in his hair, as he carefully untied his neckcloth. He rolled Tom onto his back and gently pulled the cloth from his mouth.</p><p>When John kissed him, it was like the first sip of water touching his chapped lips on a hot summer day and Tom kissed back greedily. John indulged him by kissing him long and deep, then collapsed into bed next to him, kicking his breeches off. After a moment’s hesitation, Tom did the same and tangled his legs with John’s. For once, he didn’t particularly care about the crumpled state of their garments. He couldn’t when John was stroking his hair, his cheek, his chin while gazing at him lovingly.</p><p>His fist was still curled around John's ring, so he took hold of John's hand and silently pushed it back onto his finger.</p><p>“I like it when you speak your mind, Tom,” John said softly, and Tom believed him this time. “I like it when you worry about me. I don’t ever want you to feel like you can’t be outspoken with me. But if you need it,” he added with a smirk, “if you keep deprecating yourself and trying to push me away on purpose. Then I will absolutely make you shut up, darling, don’t have any doubt about that.”</p><p>Tom chuckled, and lay his head down on John’s naked chest, nuzzling into his skin.<br/>
“I have no doubts whatsoever, me lord.”</p><p>John wrapped an arm around his waist and sunk the fingers of his other hand into his hair.</p><p>“And maybe you’re right,” he continued quietly. He paused and Tom listened patiently to his heartbeat until he spoke again. “Maybe I don’t feel loveable either. But when you say you love me, I try my best to believe you, my dear. I only ask that you do the same.”</p>
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